Gail Bunning – Mama – Wife – Artist

I have two drivers in my house now. One who’s been driving a few years and one who’s been driving only a few weeks.

The newest driver is so excited to be free. He takes the car when he can and has been pretty responsible. Gassing up when he can and making sure he’s parking as far against the curb as he can get. He’s a good boy. Works hard. Tries hard and never ever wants anyone to be disappointed in him.

Last night he took my husband’s car to a secret Santa party and parked in the alley behind his friends house. It was someone’s private spot. He was towed within a couple hours and charged a grand total of 280 for less than 12 hours of storage and two miles of tow. Tough lesson. Really tough lesson. I made the mistake of posting on a local forum. I should know better. I will never learn.

It reminds me of my husband’s affair. Some how in the heat of it, I became the bad guy. Because I wanted the affair partner to leave us alone. I said bluntly not to contact us anymore. That didn’t work and when I got mean, somehow I because the bad guy. All I wanted was some time to heal our family and because I didn’t want to hear her dribble and on and on, I was an asshole. Each time I confronted her, I was wrong and when I finally hit my limit and called her out on all her shit, I was the devil. The woman who slept with a married, family man was the victim and I was the bad guy. It made no sense. How does the woman who was betrayed, who is so fucking angry, become the bad guy. It’s not right.

But let’s be real. Life is rarely fair.

In 2017 my husband admitted to his affair. I threw him out immediately. Eventually he came home. To our family. Leaving her behind. With a pregnancy she pinned on him but would never prove. It left me angry. After years of suedo stalking and insanity, I worry daily about the next stunt she will pull.

I’ve begun meditation and therapy to try and forget her. It works most days but there are some days I have a lot of questions. Why no DNA? Why all the tweets? Why did you move so close to us? Into our old neighborhood? I don’t get it. And reality is I will neve have answers. I will never know. And, the truth is the affair isn’t what makes me so angry. It is what happened after. And the wondering. If that child is his? Because if it is. We deserve to know her. But her idiot mother is to selfish to let anyone know the truth. It’s wrong. So wrong and I hate her for it.

But I want to let go and move on from the pain she causes me. It’s not easy. I pass her work daily. I wonder and and worry. Affairs are hard and healing from them is messy. I wish I knew what to do but honestly, I don’t. And I don’t think that makes me insane or crazy.

Affairs are hard. Especially if you want to keep your marriage and family intact. For me? Letting go of this other life was hard. And as we work towards forgiveness, I struggle with the fact she is here, all the time. Lives close and works even closer. It’s like she couldn’t let go. And I want to knock the shit out of her for it.

All I want is my family. My beautiful children and this man I love. Why does she have to be here polluting things? She’s evil and selfish and I cannot figure it out.

If it were only that easy

I am gonna blog again. At least that is what I keep telling myself. However, every single time I sit down to write a little, I get afraid. The last time I blogged, every single word I wrote seemed to be ammunition or taken out of context. But now, I’m trying to let go of what people think and learn to write for me and those out there who might feel a little like me. It’s not easy but I am gonna try.

2020 sucked for everyone. We all lost so much. The year rounded out with losing my best friend’s husband and me fighting senselessly with my husband’s affair partner on Twitter. They say, when you lose control of things, you find something to control. I, very often, pick the wrong thing. This time was fighting with a moron. You’d think after three years I would learn she will never admit to her wrongdoing and she’ll live in her lies forever. I don’t know what I want her to admit her wrongdoing so badly. I wish it was easier to let go of. There was just so much left unsaid. But, I realize it is time to let it go. She’s never leaving and she will never believe anything more than the lies she has convinced herself and those around her, are true. It’s a pointless fight and it’s time to let go. Even if the things I wish I would have said burn deep inside me. It’s time to stop hurting myself. My sanity is more important than being right or proving that she did me wrong. We know she did. I don’t need to prove it to anyone anymore. If I still believed in God I would pray for her. But, I don’t. So I will just hope someday she realizes the hurt she gave me. And that she too, was guilty of something horrible and unforgivable. And I am going to stop being ashamed of what happened to me, instead of what happened because of me. I didn’t do anything. My husband infidelity was his and hers. I’m the victim. They are not.

Before the holiday we lost a dear friend. He’d been fight ALS for some time and while we knew it was coming, his loss still left a hole inside my heart. His wife, my best friend, left with two boys to raise. And the rest of us with this list of what-ifs. And should-haves. Our boys playing ball together, Graduating. Eventually marrying. Best friends, with one dad. It’s just not fair. I worry about my friend, daily. She puts on a brave face and is doing the best she can with the boys but I worry she isn’t taking care of herself as she should. I am trying not to rush in and save her. She’d hate that, but I want to. I want to scrub her floors and hug her and tell her it’s all going to be okay, even though I don’t know that it will be. It might get even worse. She’s never tell me. But I sit here, wishing it was different and that he was still here. And that we never had to do this. Really that she and the boys never had to do this. My pain is nothing compared to theirs.

I don’t know what I am gonna do on this blog. Just write I guess. I’ll share minimally now. Just want to get started again.

Always the bad guy

If it were only that easy